its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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