my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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