She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
