Fine. I'll sleep in my office
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
