I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
