Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
