Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
