yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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