let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
