I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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