The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize