you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
