He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
