Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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