You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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