i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
