and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
