Someone shit on the floor
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
