You're my little dorito
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
