I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
