Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
even my farts smell like vagina
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
