How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
