I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
