Jerry, you need to find god
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
