thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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