Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
