You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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