The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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