are you still at the devil's house?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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