Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
