tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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