You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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