Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
After tacos, we're chasing women.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
