why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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