I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
