is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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