I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
