3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
