Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
