Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
