I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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