before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
