I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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