Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
