It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
