I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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