We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
