There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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