Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize