Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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