Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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