Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
