i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
