you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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