Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
