i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize