This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
